i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
