the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
