My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
