I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
