Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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