my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
