I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
