I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
