You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
