He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
