it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
