like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
