i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
