I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
