There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
