y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
