somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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