We named our party play list daddy issues
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
