Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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