Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
