We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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