I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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