They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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