She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
