I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
