I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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