I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
