I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
