My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
