the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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