i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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