I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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