she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
