my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
3pm strippers are depressing
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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