I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
