just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
