I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
