The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
