I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
