Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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