Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
