2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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