When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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