how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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