Only a mothe r could love this liver
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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