Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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