he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
