You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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