apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
