It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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