He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
