does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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