as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
