I wanna bring you to show and tell
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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