Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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