in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
