My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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