Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
