This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
