So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
