you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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