Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Small penises have feelings too.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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