There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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