Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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